Last update: April 03, 2006 – 5:52 PM

James Lileks, Star Tribune

Are you an antisocial loser looking for career opportunities? You could be a bulk e-mailer, sending spam to millions. Here’s some advice, based on my spam, on how to get your message across. Choose your style:   •The misdirected e-mail. The text says, “Dear Fred, saw this and thought you’d be interested.” This creates a sense of excitement in the recipient — Wow, I got someone else’s mail by accident; what Fred-related secrets might I now exploit? When the e-mail’s link goes to Namyac Mortgage (”We’ve spelled our offshore location backwards, and passed the savings on to you”) he thinks: “Well, this could be some private deal I’ve stumbled into. It’s like Fight Club. First rule is you never talk about ReFi Club. The second rule is act now!” And thus the target signs up for a 30-minute adjustable mortgage.   •The Preposterous Alias. Choose an eye-catching name like Throckgobble F. Whindermous, Outrageio Q. Clocksocket, Gildermort Z. Shingletooth, etc. These don’t work very well, since the text is usually nonsense. On the other hand, if you are selling “rib tissue fluidly chalkboard plug buskers,” this is the way to go.   •The filter-confounding typo. I’ve set up my e-mail program to reject letters with certain words related to mortgages, pills, etc. This ensures that only the hardiest and most clever e-mail goes through. For example: if someone wants to sell me cut-rate generic Mexican Cialis, (”full of goat glandy goodness”) they have to spell it Ci@!is to confound my filters. Because nothing says “guaranteed quality drugs” like a merchant who intentionally defeats your attempts to shut him out. It’s like someone who invents a telemarketing machine that makes your phone ring when it’s off the hook. You’d buy whatever he was selling, just to reward his ingenuity. There you go! Now e-mail this column to 100 strangers. Pr@ct!ce makes perfect, you know. Signed, Fred  

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at lileks.com.